This afternoon I received a private response to the previous blog entry, relating to “Tom”. She said to me “there will come a time when you will have to let ‘Tom’ go and hopefully it will be because you have found your own happiness”. She also reassured me that everyone has infatuations with people who we put on a pedestal.
I just wanted to take a minute to reflect on this because I am not sure if I expressed exactly what I meant when I spoke of Tom earlier. I described the way I felt as unrequited stupidity. Perhaps stupidity was inaccurate. There’s nothing stupid about seeing the best in someone, no matter who they are. I don’t think I have Tom on a pedestal necessarily, but I do think my strong admiration is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I think I said it before, but I believe that sometimes certain people or certain feelings or certain places in our lives are hard to let go of because they represent something bigger than their physical form. They are symbolic of something we were looking for at that time of our life. Tom, for me, is a manifestation of my deep need to take “self doubt” by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the door. He did exactly that. And so will I.
When the time comes, when I find total peace with myself, and let my insecurities go, I am fairly sure letting ‘Tom’ go will be redundant. I will always support him. I will always see the very best in him. I will always see the qualities that I once set out to find in myself, and I will always see the qualities I hope I find in a partner.
I hope this makes sense. I’m not trying to paint a picture of myself as a crazy person without a firm grip on reality, I’m really not. This writing journey is a self indulgent one and the topic just happened to be a place to start breaking down my thoughts. It’s the only way that I know how to try to understand myself. And understanding me is the first step to loving me.
I hope you are enjoying reading so far. Feel free to comment any time.
Love Thyself,
L
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